Hello everybody, I hope you are all well. It has been a long time since I updated.
Currently I have lost a lot of weight and 35lbs more to lose. Currently I am working on another three songs, one of which will be ready in December. It is called "I'm not Dead Yet". I am working now with the ex guitarist of Norwegian metal band Mortiis (google them) and I have finally found someone who can give me the industrial/metal sound that I am looking for. I am still working with Ben Christo from the sisters of mercy also. I am collaborating with the darkness members and Evanescence members, now I just need Rammstein. I have taken much more creative control and there will be an improvement / change in my new music. It is slightly more metal and orchestral which is great. Got a great drummer too.
I am currently working in Norway a lot as Norway is really the birth place of Metal.. but working in the uk also. I will be going to LA in 2010 to meet with several very big labels, I do not wish to uncover any more information at the moment about that, if things go well I will let y'all know more.. I am going there to promote my new songs, my new image and weightloss and new music..and hopefully move to the states in the next year or two.
In a few months time I am changing the entire layout of my profile with brand new pictures. I will be deleting all of the current pictures of myself. I have changed. Mentally, physically and spiritually. I now work at a much more professional level and know what I want and how I am going to get it. I have worked with Greg Haver in the past (the manic street preachers producer) but currently am working with a Norwegian producer in Norway and a few here in the uk.
I thank you all for supporting me from day one. I am working hard and I hope in the near future you will see me in the magazines and TV which I have been aspiring to do since I was a little girl. One of the my new pictures I am going to put the caption of "fat british wanabee singer" that I was once referred to a few years ago, ha ha ha.
Hope you are all doing well on myspace land, folks.
I update more on Facebook. Add me on there for more information. http://www.facebook.com/emjtaylorofficial?ref=mf THANKS FOR LETTING ME HIT 1 million, four hundred and seventy thousand, one hundred and forty two plays today.
PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT ME! I am trying to get my music and talent heard! :)
Put this in a bulletin. x
This blog is dedicated to my friends, family, fans of my singing and mainly.. myself.
I have been through so much in my short life and below I shall be revealing some very intimate, personal events that have occured in the past few years. I have suffered from depression, self harming, eating disorders, anxiety and serious low self esteem issues and I am currently in the process of starting to write a book.
This blog is mainly looking at self harming, low self confidence and depression. Below will be the story of what has happened to me in the past and how I have got through it. I still struggle today with anxiety/panic disorder and depression, but I am so much better and I am finally starting to get to know what the word happiness means. At the end will be some COGNITIVE THERAPY TECHNIQUES on how to rationalise your thoughts and make yourself feel better.
You have to learn how to love yourself.
I have learnt that I need to believe in who I am, believe in what I do, believe in myself and be happy with who I am. You have to make the most of my life.
When I was a kid I was CONVINCED by the time I was 18 I'd be a successful well known singer because it is what I love. I am 21 and I spent my 18th birthday in a hospital. It's enough time that I have wasted. People, HOLD ONTO YOUR DREAMS! Believe them and don't listen if people attempt to shatter them. Do you ever get bullied or put down? Fuck them! That is THEIR problem, NOT yours. NO ONE is ever worth your tears.
I am who I am. I have accepted it and people have to accept and RESPECT me too. If they don't, it is THEIR loss. YOU can all be strong out there. Believe in YOURSELF.
Some people thought this blog was suggesting that you should not seek help. NO. I am not saying that at all. You should always ask for help if you need it. You shouldn't have to manage on your own. Some people even thought I was anti prescribed drugs too! I was shocked, actually. I am on anti depressants myself and I know for a fact if I was NOT on them, my depression would return. This blog isn't a CURE for mental illness or someones issues. It's just a support and an insight into the world of someone who understands and has been through a lot.
I hope that this blog reaches out to a lot of people and helps them in whatever way it can.
Hi, I'm Em-J. I started self harming hardcore about five years ago, I was hospitalised in 2003 and my cutting got to its very worst. I was harming myself twelve times a day. They took everything away from me but I found things to use, anything to harm myself. I had this idea that I wanted my whole left arm to be completely covered in cuts, with no more normal "flesh" left, it's very sad and I was very unwell. I stopped harming myself for good about 9 months ago. I made the decision to stop. I just thought, ENOUGH.
I was born with a beautiful body and I just destroyed it. YOU ARE ALL beautiful, DON'T ruin yourself the way that I did. I will include a picture, I am not ashamed of it. Three years down the line I sit here and believe me I regret what I did, I wish I could turn back time and stop myself from doing it. You have these scars for LIFE. Is it worth it? NO. Nothing is worth harming yourself, NOTHING. You may think it's a good way to deal with problems, bah, that's rubbish - a good way to deal with your problems is think, fuck it I WON'T LET THINGS GET ME DOWN. That's the right way, I beg you cutters out there, please, please stop...for me, yourself, your family and your friends. Years down the line you will look back on it and regret it. I break down in tears sometimes when I look at my arm now. You have the power to stop and get better.
I have faith in you, we all do. Decide that today you are going to change your life, decide that today you are going to STOP.
DON'T get to where I was. I love you all,
MY STORY & What I have learnt
Three years ago I was in a hospital bed pumped full of drugs in an attempt to keep my anxiety at bay. Three years ago I cut myself twelve times a day and couldn't bring myself to even wash. Three years ago I had a breakdown and was hospitalised. Three years ago, I LOST my life. Here's how I got it back and what I have learnt..
So many people out there suffer. It breaks my heart. The majority of people who suffer from depression, self harming, anxiety disorders, etc have no one to turn to or talk to, they feel lost in a world with so much chaos and confusion, not knowing who to turn to and not knowing why or how you became the person you are today. Were you always the happy kid at school an now look at yourself and wonder what has happened to you? Or, perhaps you always hated yourself, loathed yourself and suffered. It doesn't matter.
You are who you are and the faster you realise this, the happier you will become. When I was younger, I used to stare at all the thin blonde girls who got all the boys attention at parties and just think, man, they wouldn't look at me because I'm fucking disgusting! I want to look like a hot model! I just.. don't want.. to be ME! And, I used to cry about it. But, you know what? What have they got that you haven't? So, who cares if they have a better figure than you. You gotta learn to love what you got. Im not marilyn monroe, but I am who I am. I was born with what I got and I realised this. Theres no point in staring at other people and thinking oh i wish i was her. Why? They haven't got anything on you.
Experiment with your make up, your look, your clothes. You just have to accept that you are who you are.
The ugliest girl in the world can still make the best of herself. I remember when i was at school, there was this really ugly girl but god did she make an effort and she looked really nice because she made the most of herself. The first thing you have to do is to stop with the negativity. You need to realise that you are who you are and make the MOST of it. And, each and every one of you is beautiful, I don't care what anyone says, you ARE.
I have changed in the past few months.Im a different person. I have been in psychiatric hospitals and for my entire life I have hated myself.
Why did I spend all these years hating myself? Did it get me anywhere? No. It just stopped me from doing the things I wanted to do, achieving the goals I wanted to achieve and actually making something of myself. Just say to yourself, ok, you have flaws. GET over them already. If you dont you will be miserable forever and never see yourself as attractive.
You are who you are. There aint nothing you can do about it. So why give yourself pain all the time WISHING you were someone else? Its NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I realised that I am Emma and there isnt anything I can do about it. And, I have learnt to accept this now. Its taken me 20 years. I try and make the best of myself. And, it's time that all of you out there who hate themselves start to become brave and try to change and move on. YOU have to make the first step.
Changing isn't easy. For people who have been very unwell mentally in the past, it will take YEARS. It's going to take me yeras. I have shared a lot of personal information in the above and I am not ashamed of what I have been through.
I am a recovered bulimic and cutter and I have survived hospital and now I am making something of myeslf.
If I can do it, YOU can do it too. I never thought I'd make anything of myself and yet, here I am surviving in this hard world.
Recovering from any mental difficulties isn't easy. Back when I was in hospital in 2003, I remember the first good thing I did for myself. This was at my worst where I was basically bed ridden and pumped full of drugs. I remember brushing my hair. It had probably been a month or longer. Even that was an effort and I remember my mother helping me. Little baby steps like that made a difference for me. I remember my first walk outside of hospital walls, that was terrifying. It was like I had to re-teach myself how to survive. Going into a coffee shop was terrifying, I remember my leg was always shaking due to anxiety whenever I was allowed out for a walk with my mum, heh. In 2003 all of my problems just got too much for me and I broke. I had a breakdown in the middle of london and no one would help me. I was crying and shaking and I couldnt get home. DON'T get to where I was, please. I beg of you. I have made an amazing recovery and even now I get anxious and suffer from many daily difficulties and its been three years.
Start doing nice things for yourself, do your hair, do your nails, anything, something nice for yourself. Hire tons of funny movies and laugh your ass off, ANYTHING. Don't just sit around and wait for things to change, they wont, you have to make the effort. Ive shared a lot of info. about myself and you know what? Im not ashamed of what I went through. I have a large amount of friends on this site and I decided it was time I did something for others and helped others to get better.
EMJ in 2003
EMJ in 2006
COGNITIVE TECHNIQUES TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER
Let's say someone writes to me and tells me that they self harm because people call them ugly. I'd tell them firstly to realise that the person who said this - it was just THEIR opinion. One person in the world. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy teaches you that thoughts aren't facts and to RATIONALLY ask yourself why you are so upset by some random persons opinion of you. You do not have to prove yourself to anybody or do you need the approval of anyone. I used to get called stupid all the time and I used to get so upset and cry about it, until one day the person who called me stupid came up to me and said "Haha, you moron" and I said "Yup, that's just YOUR opinion, isn't it"? and smiled at this person and he didnt know how to react, it was HILARIOUS! THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS ARE NOT FACTS PEOPLE!!!!
BIG KEY IN CBT THERAPY, being able to rationalise your way through your hurt and upset.
Let's say someone comes up to me and says " I cant stand my Mother, she always yells at me and SHE has MADE me angry " - I'd say, no, youve made yourself angry by choosing to react to it in an angry way. No one can make you angry or upset, its YOU that has control of HOW you react to it. Sure, its not nice if someone is an asshole to you but the key to not letting them control your emotions is counting to ten, telling yourself that is just their opinion and keep your head up high.
Thirdly, if someone has panic attacks / panic disorder like I do.. I've recently been learning what to do when an attack is about to come on. Panic attacks aren't actually about fear, it's about control and what we are wanting to control in a situation.
Meaning, I used to get panic attacks in restaurants and freak out and want to run away and was convinced I was dying or having a heart attack or I was going mad and Id start shaking, etc, and now, when I feel that coming on... I ask myself.. what am I really afraid of ? What am I trying to control or stay in control over? I'd answer those questions like this: "Well, Im not actually afraid of anything and I dont need to control anything because Im NOT mad and Im NOT dying, so calm down and don't be afraid. Thoughts aren't facts and this will pass".
Really good getting your rational brain in gear in those sort of situations. :-)
RATIONAL - people.
That is the key.
Goodbye fear, goodbye irrational.
Hello happiness and health.